So today I took LSD for the first time. Just 1 tab (standard beginner dose) and with a sitter (Todor) in the comfort of my own home. It took about an hour to hit, then was a VERY physical experience for me, and minorly a psychological one.
The first thing I noticed I felt unbalanced, like I was drunk. Then I started twitching, like an electric current was running through my body every 5 seconds. My breathing also felt harder, like I had to work at it, like something was on my chest that made the drawing in of breath that much harder. But none of this was scary; I just let myself feel it as what it is.
About 3 hours after I took the tab, Todor took a nap so I had some quiet time to think. That's when I had my first "revelation." At first I noticed an image of a animal skull came into my mind's eye. It was the kind of animal skull you'd see in the middle of a desert, with long face and surrounded by this dark red color. The immediate feeling I got when this image flashed into my mind was fear. It was a very fleshy, greedy, horror movie kind of fear. My instinct was to look away, and I tried to redirect my focus to something else. I opened my eyes, I looked outside, I looked at Todor. But that image and feeling kept flashing into view. So after a few minutes I decided "ok this is not going away so I need to look at it and see what's there." I had a tiny bit of hesitation at first, but that went away in a second. Instead, I felt brave and curious as I turned towards the skull thing. And surprisingly, the thing almost immediately changed into something I thought was beautiful. The color around it turned a deep teal-blue, and the mood of the thing was serene. Then just as quickly it turned melancholy. This time the color was less teal, more blue, tinged with a bit of sadness. Then Todor's alarm went off and I pulled out of this image.
That whole sequence was short, maybe 10 minutes max, but it was very revolutionary to me. Still now I think about the skull's transformation, and more importantly that feeling of bravery and curiosity I felt.
I had some more quiet time as Todor snoozed his alarm. So I had time to delve back into my thoughts. I thought about my past relationships, about Guillaume, Todor, and briefly about Andreas, Billy. I found that it was easier to evaluate them more clinically, like someone in a lab coat with a clipboard watching in a separate room and taking notes. Guillaume is not the god I used to think he is; I had put that man on a pedestal and I worshipped him. But now I see he's a (more regular) guy with a unique set of issues. I thought about Todor, and I think I should have fun with him while it lasts. I realized I need someone who's willing and capable of deeper emotional connections, not all the time but at least once in a while. Todor is fun and responsible and easy to be with, but he's not deep. And I get annoyed and disappointed when I've tried to engage him in something deeper*.
I felt it was much easier to "diagnosis" others but I REALLY wanted to turn that view onto myself. I felt like I was being too critical of others, especially of Todor, and instead I want to focus on me. I tried...very hard... to turn my mind's gaze inward. But I couldn't! I tried to imagine looking at myself, but all I got was a flat image of me, like looking at a photo. After a few times of trying to look deeper within but failing, I gave up. Idk... I was disappointed by that. I wanted to see my flaws from a different perspective but my mind wouldn't/couldn't go there. I guess that fact is enlightening. I can't see myself beyond my own idea of who I am.
Anyway, the rest of the evening was more sober. We watched a bunch of random YouTube videos (about physics, about cooking eggs, about some guy machining a thing, etc). Then we drove back to his place for the weekly family meal with his roommates (that was fun). After dinner I laid down in his room, with the door closed, lights off, and earplugs in my ears. THAT was when I saw tessellations and these spectaculous but VERY brief bursts of color and shapes. It look like a combination of the Aurora Borealis plus wireframes in a video game. And everytime I wanted to "enjoy" the bursts, it would immediately die off. And after what felt like 15 minutes, the effects went away.
Not much more happened the rest of the night. Todor and I talked a bunch and we watched a PBS movie about Bernnini and went to bed. I slept fine, despite some people's experience of not able to sleep because their minds won't turn off after an acid trip.
Overall it was a great, and not so dramatic, experience. 13/10 would try again. =)
*I talked to him about this later and he acknowledged that he feels compelled to offer solutions whenever someone brings up "problems." (He feels compelled because, if he were to talk about something that bothers him, he wants to hear solutions and discuss them, so he feels like that's how he should behave with others.) And if he feels he doesn't have a solution, it's pointless to continue the conversation. I mentioned that sometimes people share because they want to bond and let off some steam; he acknowledged that maybe he could just listen instead. (I was somewhat surprised he came to that thought actually. But I'm not certain he'll follow through.)
No comments:
Post a Comment