So today I took LSD for the first time. Just 1 tab (standard beginner dose) and with a sitter (Todor) in the comfort of my own home. It took about an hour to hit, then was a VERY physical experience for me, and minorly a psychological one.
The first thing I noticed I felt unbalanced, like I was drunk. Then I started twitching, like an electric current was running through my body every 5 seconds. My breathing also felt harder, like I had to work at it, like something was on my chest that made the drawing in of breath that much harder. But none of this was scary; I just let myself feel it as what it is.
About 3 hours after I took the tab, Todor took a nap so I had some quiet time to think. That's when I had my first "revelation." At first I noticed an image of a animal skull came into my mind's eye. It was the kind of animal skull you'd see in the middle of a desert, with long face and surrounded by this dark red color. The immediate feeling I got when this image flashed into my mind was fear. It was a very fleshy, greedy, horror movie kind of fear. My instinct was to look away, and I tried to redirect my focus to something else. I opened my eyes, I looked outside, I looked at Todor. But that image and feeling kept flashing into view. So after a few minutes I decided "ok this is not going away so I need to look at it and see what's there." I had a tiny bit of hesitation at first, but that went away in a second. Instead, I felt brave and curious as I turned towards the skull thing. And surprisingly, the thing almost immediately changed into something I thought was beautiful. The color around it turned a deep teal-blue, and the mood of the thing was serene. Then just as quickly it turned melancholy. This time the color was less teal, more blue, tinged with a bit of sadness. Then Todor's alarm went off and I pulled out of this image.
That whole sequence was short, maybe 10 minutes max, but it was very revolutionary to me. Still now I think about the skull's transformation, and more importantly that feeling of bravery and curiosity I felt.
I had some more quiet time as Todor snoozed his alarm. So I had time to delve back into my thoughts. I thought about my past relationships, about Guillaume, Todor, and briefly about Andreas, Billy. I found that it was easier to evaluate them more clinically, like someone in a lab coat with a clipboard watching in a separate room and taking notes. Guillaume is not the god I used to think he is; I had put that man on a pedestal and I worshipped him. But now I see he's a (more regular) guy with a unique set of issues. I thought about Todor, and I think I should have fun with him while it lasts. I realized I need someone who's willing and capable of deeper emotional connections, not all the time but at least once in a while. Todor is fun and responsible and easy to be with, but he's not deep. And I get annoyed and disappointed when I've tried to engage him in something deeper*.
I felt it was much easier to "diagnosis" others but I REALLY wanted to turn that view onto myself. I felt like I was being too critical of others, especially of Todor, and instead I want to focus on me. I tried...very hard... to turn my mind's gaze inward. But I couldn't! I tried to imagine looking at myself, but all I got was a flat image of me, like looking at a photo. After a few times of trying to look deeper within but failing, I gave up. Idk... I was disappointed by that. I wanted to see my flaws from a different perspective but my mind wouldn't/couldn't go there. I guess that fact is enlightening. I can't see myself beyond my own idea of who I am.
Anyway, the rest of the evening was more sober. We watched a bunch of random YouTube videos (about physics, about cooking eggs, about some guy machining a thing, etc). Then we drove back to his place for the weekly family meal with his roommates (that was fun). After dinner I laid down in his room, with the door closed, lights off, and earplugs in my ears. THAT was when I saw tessellations and these spectaculous but VERY brief bursts of color and shapes. It look like a combination of the Aurora Borealis plus wireframes in a video game. And everytime I wanted to "enjoy" the bursts, it would immediately die off. And after what felt like 15 minutes, the effects went away.
Not much more happened the rest of the night. Todor and I talked a bunch and we watched a PBS movie about Bernnini and went to bed. I slept fine, despite some people's experience of not able to sleep because their minds won't turn off after an acid trip.
Overall it was a great, and not so dramatic, experience. 13/10 would try again. =)
*I talked to him about this later and he acknowledged that he feels compelled to offer solutions whenever someone brings up "problems." (He feels compelled because, if he were to talk about something that bothers him, he wants to hear solutions and discuss them, so he feels like that's how he should behave with others.) And if he feels he doesn't have a solution, it's pointless to continue the conversation. I mentioned that sometimes people share because they want to bond and let off some steam; he acknowledged that maybe he could just listen instead. (I was somewhat surprised he came to that thought actually. But I'm not certain he'll follow through.)
Monday, January 21, 2019
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
Polyphasic Sleep Experiment - Day 5, end
Wednesday, Dec 26, 2018
So..... I gave up at midnight yesterday. My reasons are many, but the straw that broke the camel's back was my concern that this experiment might end up exacerbating my predisposition for Alzheimer's. My grandma died from Dementia and my dad is currently going through late stage Alzheimer's. This is a serious concern for me. So after yesterday's 'revelation', I decided it's just not worth the it.
Also it wasn't like I didn't like my schedule BEFORE the experiment. I got to do all the things that were important to me (friends, workout, ride, work) and I didn't have any sleep issues. If there is something I wanted to add to my life (like read more or do more track days), I just make room for that by spending less time on social media or aimless web surfing. With polyphasic sleeping, even though theoretically I had more time, I felt like I was giving up opportunities to do the other things I loved. For example, there's an organized ride that popped up on Meetup. But I couldn't sign up because it's an all day ride. Also my friend Sandy were planning lunch, and I felt dismayed when she proposed we meet at 11am to avoid the crowds. Normally the time wouldn't be a problem but now I was stressing about how I'm going to take a nap a noon, or maybe I can push it out, but then I'll be not fully there mentally with my friend.
So all of these reasons made me stop the experiment. I went to bed at midnight last night and woke up at 7am feeling wonderful! =) My brain is no longer in a fog and physically I have more energy. Also I've come to the conclusion that I/we get more done on a polyphasic sleeping schedule not mainly because we had more time. It was more because we had these small deadlines everyday to compel us to finish something before the next bedtime. And we HAD to do things to distract from the drowsiness. In other words, we had to focus and we had to keep moving.
That was what I was already doing to some degree prior to the experiment; now I just have a better idea of how to do it better (with small "deadlines" and keeping the momentum going).
p.s. So this morning I had 1/2 spoon of coffee. GOD IT TASTED SO GOOD!!! I'm not going to go back to my 4 spoons-a-day habit like before, but I' will let myself have a little every morning. 😀
So..... I gave up at midnight yesterday. My reasons are many, but the straw that broke the camel's back was my concern that this experiment might end up exacerbating my predisposition for Alzheimer's. My grandma died from Dementia and my dad is currently going through late stage Alzheimer's. This is a serious concern for me. So after yesterday's 'revelation', I decided it's just not worth the it.
Also it wasn't like I didn't like my schedule BEFORE the experiment. I got to do all the things that were important to me (friends, workout, ride, work) and I didn't have any sleep issues. If there is something I wanted to add to my life (like read more or do more track days), I just make room for that by spending less time on social media or aimless web surfing. With polyphasic sleeping, even though theoretically I had more time, I felt like I was giving up opportunities to do the other things I loved. For example, there's an organized ride that popped up on Meetup. But I couldn't sign up because it's an all day ride. Also my friend Sandy were planning lunch, and I felt dismayed when she proposed we meet at 11am to avoid the crowds. Normally the time wouldn't be a problem but now I was stressing about how I'm going to take a nap a noon, or maybe I can push it out, but then I'll be not fully there mentally with my friend.
So all of these reasons made me stop the experiment. I went to bed at midnight last night and woke up at 7am feeling wonderful! =) My brain is no longer in a fog and physically I have more energy. Also I've come to the conclusion that I/we get more done on a polyphasic sleeping schedule not mainly because we had more time. It was more because we had these small deadlines everyday to compel us to finish something before the next bedtime. And we HAD to do things to distract from the drowsiness. In other words, we had to focus and we had to keep moving.
That was what I was already doing to some degree prior to the experiment; now I just have a better idea of how to do it better (with small "deadlines" and keeping the momentum going).
p.s. So this morning I had 1/2 spoon of coffee. GOD IT TASTED SO GOOD!!! I'm not going to go back to my 4 spoons-a-day habit like before, but I' will let myself have a little every morning. 😀
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Polyphasic Sleep Experiment - Day 4
Tuesday, Dec 25, 2018
Day 4, 10am. Already I can feel my body adapting to this new schedule. The sleepiness is more predictable (about an hour before nap time I start to feel drowsiness descend) and my energy level is more steady throughout the 24 hour cycle. I did make a few modifications to the schedule and it's helped the transition a ton.
Traditionally each sleep cycle is 25 minutes (theoretically because that's how long a REM cycle is*), but I extended it to 38 minutes. I find that it takes me a while to fall asleep (I'm guessing 5-10 minutes?) and a 25-minute sleep cycle just doesn't give me enough time to actually get to REM stage. After I started the extended cycle, I feel a lot better upon waking. It's amazing how much difference 13 minutes can make.
10pm. I was listening to a podcast and the speaker reminded me that the other sleep phases also have purpose. Specifically the slow wave cycle is how the brain clears itself of plaque buildup*. The plaque is what, according to the latest research, causes Alzheimers.
So after hearing that podcast and reading more, I'm not sure I want to continue this experiment.... Maybe I'll finish the 2-week trial I promised myself. Maybe I'll cut it down to 1 week. I'll need to talk to Todor about it first.
Other than that, I feel like I'm constantly sleeping but never rested.... My brain is foggy still and the time between midnight and 8am are the hardest. There is not much I can't do, since I have to be quiet and not wake everyone in the house. Also physically I just don't have the energy for much either. I find myself wishing time would go faster and it'll be 8am already. And if I'm wishing time would go faster, then what's the point of this experiment anyways? Todor's biggest reason for doing this is that, supposedly, it gives you a lot more time to do stuff. Idk.... maybe my negative thinking is because day 4 is the hardest day and I'm not thinking straight...
* Sources:
https://www.sciencenews.org/article/sleep-brain-alzheimers-plaques-protein
https://learning.omnivistahealth.com/2018/06/how-slow-wave-sleep-can-protect-your-brain-from-alzheimers/
Day 4, 10am. Already I can feel my body adapting to this new schedule. The sleepiness is more predictable (about an hour before nap time I start to feel drowsiness descend) and my energy level is more steady throughout the 24 hour cycle. I did make a few modifications to the schedule and it's helped the transition a ton.
Traditionally each sleep cycle is 25 minutes (theoretically because that's how long a REM cycle is*), but I extended it to 38 minutes. I find that it takes me a while to fall asleep (I'm guessing 5-10 minutes?) and a 25-minute sleep cycle just doesn't give me enough time to actually get to REM stage. After I started the extended cycle, I feel a lot better upon waking. It's amazing how much difference 13 minutes can make.
10pm. I was listening to a podcast and the speaker reminded me that the other sleep phases also have purpose. Specifically the slow wave cycle is how the brain clears itself of plaque buildup*. The plaque is what, according to the latest research, causes Alzheimers.
So after hearing that podcast and reading more, I'm not sure I want to continue this experiment.... Maybe I'll finish the 2-week trial I promised myself. Maybe I'll cut it down to 1 week. I'll need to talk to Todor about it first.
Other than that, I feel like I'm constantly sleeping but never rested.... My brain is foggy still and the time between midnight and 8am are the hardest. There is not much I can't do, since I have to be quiet and not wake everyone in the house. Also physically I just don't have the energy for much either. I find myself wishing time would go faster and it'll be 8am already. And if I'm wishing time would go faster, then what's the point of this experiment anyways? Todor's biggest reason for doing this is that, supposedly, it gives you a lot more time to do stuff. Idk.... maybe my negative thinking is because day 4 is the hardest day and I'm not thinking straight...
* Sources:
https://www.sciencenews.org/article/sleep-brain-alzheimers-plaques-protein
https://learning.omnivistahealth.com/2018/06/how-slow-wave-sleep-can-protect-your-brain-from-alzheimers/
Polyphasic Sleep Experiment - Day 3
Monday Dec 24, 2018
Day 3.... seems to be the hardest so far. As tired as I am, I struggle to fall asleep. For some reason my mind starts thinking and it's hard for my body to get comfortable. I feel like it takes me 5-10 min to get to sleep, and when the 1/2 hour alarm rings, I feel like I just started dreaming. It also doesn't help that Todor's new place is cold AF; I found myself shivering several times last night.
Speaking of last night, we overslept by an hour and half during the Midnight nap (as mentioned yesterday). But when we did manage to get up at 2am, we unloaded everything from the truck. (Side note about the truck. Yesterday we went back around 9pm to load the rest of Todor's things. It took us 2 and half hours to load, and we were both tired and grumpy most of the time.) I was very very happy the unloading process took much quicker.
At 4am we went back to bed and overslept again (lol). This time we woke up at 6am (lololol). But our "excuse" was that we were so physically tired from moving that we needed the extra sleep. Indeed both of us are sore.
Todor drove the truck back to Uhaul and I followed him in my car. I find myself in almost a zen/zoned out state driving. Good thing there weren't many cars on the road. My reaction time and attention probably aren't at their peak right now.
Now we're back at my place, ostentensibl because I need to be here for my next AirBB guest. But also I just wanted to be somewhere where it's warm and comfortable, and quiet. At his new place there are 3 other roommates but it's a very open living arrangement (meaning, people are mostly in the common areas and only retire to the bedroom to sleep). As much as I'm an extravert, I've also have my limit of people interactions. And in my current brain dead state, I needed the quiet to recharge.
One last note. I feel like we're constantly sleeping but at the same time I'm constantly tired and groggy. It feels like the worst of both worlds in a way! I hope this gets better... At some point I want to incorporate workouts and rides back into my life. How's that gonna work?
Day 3.... seems to be the hardest so far. As tired as I am, I struggle to fall asleep. For some reason my mind starts thinking and it's hard for my body to get comfortable. I feel like it takes me 5-10 min to get to sleep, and when the 1/2 hour alarm rings, I feel like I just started dreaming. It also doesn't help that Todor's new place is cold AF; I found myself shivering several times last night.
Speaking of last night, we overslept by an hour and half during the Midnight nap (as mentioned yesterday). But when we did manage to get up at 2am, we unloaded everything from the truck. (Side note about the truck. Yesterday we went back around 9pm to load the rest of Todor's things. It took us 2 and half hours to load, and we were both tired and grumpy most of the time.) I was very very happy the unloading process took much quicker.
At 4am we went back to bed and overslept again (lol). This time we woke up at 6am (lololol). But our "excuse" was that we were so physically tired from moving that we needed the extra sleep. Indeed both of us are sore.
Todor drove the truck back to Uhaul and I followed him in my car. I find myself in almost a zen/zoned out state driving. Good thing there weren't many cars on the road. My reaction time and attention probably aren't at their peak right now.
Now we're back at my place, ostentensibl because I need to be here for my next AirBB guest. But also I just wanted to be somewhere where it's warm and comfortable, and quiet. At his new place there are 3 other roommates but it's a very open living arrangement (meaning, people are mostly in the common areas and only retire to the bedroom to sleep). As much as I'm an extravert, I've also have my limit of people interactions. And in my current brain dead state, I needed the quiet to recharge.
One last note. I feel like we're constantly sleeping but at the same time I'm constantly tired and groggy. It feels like the worst of both worlds in a way! I hope this gets better... At some point I want to incorporate workouts and rides back into my life. How's that gonna work?
Polyphasic Sleep Experiment - Day 2
Sunday Dec. 23, 2018
5:30am - lol we overslept. Instead of taking a 25-minute nap, we took an hour and 25 min. But I actually feel refreshed now! Mentally I'm much more awake than 11pm last night, and physically I feel pretty good.
Because there is no "overnight" anymore, I decided to take my contacts off between the midnight nap and the 4am nap. As much as I hate wearing my glasses, I needed to give my eyes and contacts a break. Earlier they were feeling dry and uncomfortable; now, wearing the contacts again, my eyes feel more refreshed.
Today's the day Todor and I have to separate for a few hours. He's moving and I need to go back to my place to turnover the spare bedroom for the next AirBnB guest. So far there's been long periods of near boredom for me during this transition phase; I wonder what it'll be like if this "experiment" takes hold and we continue living like this. The boredom is mostly due to the fact that I'm at Todor's and there isn't much I can do here. I wonder how different it would be if we were at my place (where I have my endless to-do list of tasks around the house).
I joined up with Todor around 2pm and together we continued moving his stuff. This is both a good idea and a bad idea. Good idea because it gave us lots of mindless things to do (put these in this box, move that over there, haul all of these in/out of the truck, etc). Bad idea because it's physically very exhausting so it makes us want sleep more.
Which lead to our hour and half oversleep session at midnight.....
5:30am - lol we overslept. Instead of taking a 25-minute nap, we took an hour and 25 min. But I actually feel refreshed now! Mentally I'm much more awake than 11pm last night, and physically I feel pretty good.
Because there is no "overnight" anymore, I decided to take my contacts off between the midnight nap and the 4am nap. As much as I hate wearing my glasses, I needed to give my eyes and contacts a break. Earlier they were feeling dry and uncomfortable; now, wearing the contacts again, my eyes feel more refreshed.
Today's the day Todor and I have to separate for a few hours. He's moving and I need to go back to my place to turnover the spare bedroom for the next AirBnB guest. So far there's been long periods of near boredom for me during this transition phase; I wonder what it'll be like if this "experiment" takes hold and we continue living like this. The boredom is mostly due to the fact that I'm at Todor's and there isn't much I can do here. I wonder how different it would be if we were at my place (where I have my endless to-do list of tasks around the house).
I joined up with Todor around 2pm and together we continued moving his stuff. This is both a good idea and a bad idea. Good idea because it gave us lots of mindless things to do (put these in this box, move that over there, haul all of these in/out of the truck, etc). Bad idea because it's physically very exhausting so it makes us want sleep more.
Which lead to our hour and half oversleep session at midnight.....
Polyphasic Sleep Experiment - Day 1
Saturday Dec 22, 2018
Today is day 1 of our polyphasic sleep experiment. What's this experiment? Let me backup.
So Todor, my boyfriend of 4 months, has an affinity for crazy ideas. One of these ideas is to have a polyphasic sleeping schedule, instead of a mono sleeping schedule. For more about polyphasic sleeping, see https://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/10/polyphasic-sleep/
Today is day 1 of our experiment. We woke up at 10am (since we went dancing last night and didn't get to bed until 2:30 am). So far so good. I'm at his place and he spent most of the day packing. Oh ya, he found a new place to live and decided tomorrow is a fine time to move. 🙄We took 25 minute naps at noon, 4pm, 8pm, midnight. I'm writing this at 2:16 am.
Ok, it was REALLY hard to get up from this last nap. Now I know how new parents feel, except we don't have the impending consequences of a unfed/unchanged child to keep us awake. Really, this is all because I want to support Todor in his weird ideas. There is nothing keeping us awake other than sheer will. My head is throbbing (probably from the fact that I had to cut out my one drug habit Caffeine*), my eyes are dry, my brain is basically a big cotton ball. But whatever....it's just an experiment. If we/I fail, at least I would know my limits.
But ya, waking up in the middle of the night is no fun, and THIS IS ONLY DAY 1!!! We have some sleep reserve we can draw on so it's not the worst yet. Tomorrow... we'll see.
* Giving up caffeine has been a surprisingly easy and hard thing to do. Easy because I started tapering off about 2 weeks ago, and hard because I found my brain resisting the idea that I will no longer be able to enjoy my morning routine of a hot cup of coffee. Other than that, I found that I'm having more and more vivid dreams, and I remember them longer. This is the reason to give up coffee for polysic sleepers, but still I was surprised.
Today is day 1 of our polyphasic sleep experiment. What's this experiment? Let me backup.
So Todor, my boyfriend of 4 months, has an affinity for crazy ideas. One of these ideas is to have a polyphasic sleeping schedule, instead of a mono sleeping schedule. For more about polyphasic sleeping, see https://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/10/polyphasic-sleep/
Today is day 1 of our experiment. We woke up at 10am (since we went dancing last night and didn't get to bed until 2:30 am). So far so good. I'm at his place and he spent most of the day packing. Oh ya, he found a new place to live and decided tomorrow is a fine time to move. 🙄We took 25 minute naps at noon, 4pm, 8pm, midnight. I'm writing this at 2:16 am.
Ok, it was REALLY hard to get up from this last nap. Now I know how new parents feel, except we don't have the impending consequences of a unfed/unchanged child to keep us awake. Really, this is all because I want to support Todor in his weird ideas. There is nothing keeping us awake other than sheer will. My head is throbbing (probably from the fact that I had to cut out my one drug habit Caffeine*), my eyes are dry, my brain is basically a big cotton ball. But whatever....it's just an experiment. If we/I fail, at least I would know my limits.
But ya, waking up in the middle of the night is no fun, and THIS IS ONLY DAY 1!!! We have some sleep reserve we can draw on so it's not the worst yet. Tomorrow... we'll see.
* Giving up caffeine has been a surprisingly easy and hard thing to do. Easy because I started tapering off about 2 weeks ago, and hard because I found my brain resisting the idea that I will no longer be able to enjoy my morning routine of a hot cup of coffee. Other than that, I found that I'm having more and more vivid dreams, and I remember them longer. This is the reason to give up coffee for polysic sleepers, but still I was surprised.
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